For those that love too much

My story with narcissistic abuse

Do you love yourself more than you love me?

Beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you.

I’ve disappeared from myself and my attributes,

I am present only for you.

I’ve forgotten all my learnings,

but from knowing you I’ve become a scholar.

I’ve lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

Rumi

Two and a half years ago, I fell in love and fell so hard, that I almost broke my bones and my body and my feet and my chest – and everything else. It was a literal fall and the emotions were so strong that I became blinded to my surroundings. I forgot who I was before I met him, I forgot my dreams, I forgot what I liked, the music I listened to, the talents I had. All my eyes could see was him: his hefty hands, smooth skin, round soft lips. His muscular body was strong and in my innocence he became my shield. 

I chose to give it all. My dreams were now his – I wanted to marry him and forget that I existed. I existed for him, with him. I wanted his children so I lose myself into caring for his little halves. I worshipped him as my god and I was in awe at his strength, his raw manfulness, his composure. 

At the time, I swore he was my soul-mate. He was what I searched for my whole life. And I  promised everyone including myself that he had all the qualities that I ever desired. 

After about two weeks, the slow deterioration of us started. It was so slow, almost unnoticeable. One day he would be cold as a rock, unmoveable and strange. I would beg for his love or for a single act of kindness. I felt starved. 

One other days I would catch him in a lie, all tangled up. He would so gloriously manage to convince me it was the truth. I would doubt myself to the point that, by the end of the day, I felt hatred towards myself. How can I be so doubtful, how can I accuse the man of my dreams of lies, how can I cause such a disturbance in our peace? I would harbour hatred inside my body – not knowing how poisonous it would be. 

It became worse every week. I was finding things out – major things like how he lied about not being married to actually living with his wife and two children. I found out about his parents and how he would be using them as objects in the pursuit of his manipulation with others. And yet, nothing would succeed in allowing me to decide to leave. On the contrary, I was even more assured to make it all work. I thought the most important thing is my strong love for him – everything else didn’t matter. 

My hair started falling, at first strand by strand and then in knots. My skin was pale and yellowish. I couldn’t sleep anymore and I would have days when I didn’t want to be alive because the pain was too much to bear. I would be hanging over the toilet seat in an attempt to spew my insides but I had nothing left inside. I was empty. 

Most of all – he wasn’t disturbed. He was always the same – indifferent and cold and always ready to explain to me how I am the problem. I was always ready to believe him. 

The sicker I became, the more I started to understand that something must be wrong. I thought: I love him with all my heart but something isn’t right. I have to leave. But leaving him wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I tried to leave three times, four times and left again, and again. And I always came back. It was enough to get one message, or one phone call, one song that we both used to listen to, one thought of those days when we would be happy embracing each other, one second of seeing him. That’s all it took to be back and throw myself into his arms with so much craving for him. 

I became frightened at these strong feelings of yearning when I was separated from him. Is this what love feels like? I realised I had no control over my own mind and emotions. I did not want to go back and yet I found myself back and losing the fight again and again. 

In an attempt to start saving my body, I began reading articles and books to understand what was happening to me. I came across the term narcissistic abuse and I could relate to a lot of what was being said about it. 

I was certain of the following signs: 

• he lied to me about major things (and I overlooked that) 
• he would lie about small insignificant things (I always thought what was the need?) 
• we would engage in arguments that to me made no sense. It was a feeling of going round in circles and never really going to the root of the problem 
• at the end of every “bad” phase he would conclude that I was the problem and I must change or learn to be different or improve in some way (and I would believe him) 

Few days before my birthday we were having an argument again. This time I kept my mind clear and really looked into the words he was saying. Most of it did not make sense (he was saying complicated words and sentences but they were empty). Underneath his words were attempts of bringing me down for example by insinuating that I am insecure, that I depend on him, that I am needy. I noticed how he was so disrespectful and how every time I tried to address the real “issue” of our argument, he would turn it back unto me and how I WAS the problem. 

That moment I decided that I had enough signs, that the Universe told me many times to leave. 

And I left. Again. That time I knew it was different. I knew my journey is only starting. I told myself it will not be easy, it will not be instantaneous. 

I gathered as much strength as I had left in me. It was not a lot, I was exhausted after two years of the same circular arguments, lies and traumatic betrayals which I forgave to the surface but did not forget. Each morning, I started writing in my diary every thought and I promised I will be totally honest with myself and my thoughts. I wrote how I started missing him again, but reminded myself of my purpose and of my reason. 

Initially I took the following steps in initiating my recovery: 

• block him on all channels, phone numbers, emails 
• delete photos/ messages 
• throw out clothes/ gifts/ photos 
• block any of his ex wife/ family/ friends on all channels 

I promised to myself the following: 

• write down every thought 
• when I miss him, I remind myself of why I left and what he did to me over two years 
• if he attempts to talk to me, email or come and see me I block or refuse any communication 

Days passed and I spent my time reading furiously all the books I could find on narcissistic abuse, psychopathic behaviour, self-healing. 

I finally understood – what I felt for him was not love. It was the furthest from love that it can be. It was a toxic attachment, an addiction. What was formed was a trauma bond. I was addicted to the chemical reaction in my body that took place when he would abandon, betray, lie or hurt me and then he would be loving, caring and attentive – a contrast of emotions that became addictive. The trauma bond caused me to defend him and worship him even though rationally I could see how toxic he was and how he was so disrespectful. 

Ultimately, I understood the deeper issue: I did not love myself, I didn’t know how to. I allowed him into my life because I was seeking to fill that void – the void that I thought I could never fill by myself. Inside my heart, I felt an empty crack and I was desperate for him (or anyone) to come and saturate it with love. I wanted to feel embraced and seen by another. That yearning led me to attach to toxic men that would smell that despair and cling unto it. He knew I did not have the strength to leave. He knew I did not have the self-love to realise that I deserve more than that. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be seen as I am, and loved – as I am. 

This is how my journey to self-healing started. It’s been sixty-two days since I left him for good, and every day I feel lighter. And I promise you – it gets easier. 

I am writing this for anyone that feels they “love” too much, anyone that feels exhausted and is still holding on to another at the expense of their health. If you are pale, exhausted, drained and if you are unable to walk away from someone you love but who is harmful – you might be in a trauma bond with a narcissist (or simply a toxic person). 

If any of my words make any sense to you, I urge you to gather the strength to walk away and begin your journey towards self-healing. 

I have a long way ahead but I am grateful for the Universe blessing me every step of the way.