Where do you store this rage? This ancient anger that you stifled within. They were unable to hold her magnificence. Where do you store it? Deposited like small crystals of salt, or dark coal simmering.
It is your body that holds it all: your grief and your exaltations – it is your body that is the carrier. But now you love all of it and worship your skin like a god. Don’t you?
You have been mourning for a long time the dying of dreams. Your life has always been one of leaving. Never solid under your feet, you learnt to float, to never root yourself in one place. It was always a matter of time. A life of mourning, but also of so much renewal. Of building and expanding yourself. Of learning how to always start again.
Now remember: there is a god that kept you safe and intact. At nine months old, you stopped breathing. Your mother’s praying brought you back quickly – you are here with meaning. You promised god you’ll stay.
You touched death lightly, you smelt dying, you were always so close to a dying of all sorts. The worst death is soul-death, dispersing yourself to the Others so much that nothing is left of you at the end. You were close to that too. Yet again, you’re here. Whole. Your skin pulsating in rhythm with life. Whole. You promised god you’ll stay.
You swallow a river; this water penetrating the nooks and crannies of your body, a vessel, you’re drowning. A christening of sorts. You want to become water, you made home out of sea.
Now there are corners inside you that host dark guests – they have been hiding inside you, praying that you will never look within to find them. Dark and scarred, these guests are nourished by your rage. Growing from fire. Your blood feeds them. You know them well. Dark things that sleep in you.
Your heart has forgiven, your mind too – it is your body that must release what was done. The dark guests are no longer welcome here. There is nothing of them in you.
A clearing.
What is needed is radical purge, an internal decluttering. What was holding on to you is releasing. What was decaying is now pulled out like weeds.
There is nothing of them in you.
The whole of you – the weight, the liver, dark and raw, throbbing in full surrender, kidneys permeating, lungs weeping at this release, heart pulsating, your throat unclogs now, womb widens, softening vulva, your whole body softens into feeling. Now this is what forgiveness means. Your cells promise forgiveness, love diffusing in and out, anger transformed.
You forgive. You forgive. You have forgiven.
Clearing the old blood clearing the ugly words clearing lies clearing body forcing itself in you clearing scarcity in loving clearing lust and gripping clearing lacking clearing fear and fearing always frightened and darkness and clearing the unwelcome guests bodies hands on you unwanted mouths speaking their truths into your skin clearing sadness the one that sticks to you like a leech. There is only space for love here, you got to love it, love your flesh your beat and beating heart your hands, there is only space for love.
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