For those that love too much: an ending

26 bones, 100 muscles and ligaments; two feet that have arrived. The hair that fell in bunches like tree leaves has grown back. It has taken two years of grief and regrowth. 730 days. 17,520 hours.

My body no longer responds to a name, his. My inner dialogue no longer deceives me.

In truth, my womb holds the whole story. Hollow womb-cave, grief bearer. Yet the story matters no more. The story I held in me like some souvenir, praying for grief reciprocated, the scars spoke for themselves. Can you see I am wounded – my life line. A craving to be loved, in all of us. Yet the story matters no more. There is no story.

Bleeding out all parts that don’t belong. Loving our way out of the dark.

This
is the great finale. The great severing of all ties that still hold, screaming but you love us, feed us, don’t leave us. Sticky ties and noxious bonds, demanding. To those that love too much, there is nothing more that I could tell you. Trust the timing of your unfolding; believe in a love waiting on the other side, building up momentum.

The way of nature is ruthless. It cut, kills and dries the unnecessary. It spits out the diseased growth and rotten roots.
A sea spitting out the dead fish.

So today, I visit her. A cure for the heart: sea water.
Are you also humbled when standing at the threshold of her, the sea? Her power that could wipe clean all injustice; her unyielding thirst for the moon.
Although frightened by her magnitude, I am of her. She knows me well – my eyes harbour her like a big blue secret. My mouth is salty.

Once, the sea brought you to me
and just like that I bring you back.
I am frightened of her intensity and depth, but this time I go fully in
from head to toe, a body of sea salt
algae for hair
and shell-bones.

The sky opens and god falls out.

Today
There is nothing left of you in me.

I leave with stillness
and a pocket full of stones.

*This is the last part of a series that I began writing two years ago called ‘For those that love too much’. You can access Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV here.