Cacao blessings

I have been blessed to start my favourite month of October attending a Cacao Ceremony in a secluded beautiful house in nature. I was seventeen years old when I attended my first Cacao Ceremony, an experience which initiated my search for meaning and for a deeper connection to myself, god, nature and spirituality. It’s been seven years since, and I have been on a long journey of ups and downs. In those seven years, I graduated, I spent months living as a Brachmacharini in a Hindu temple, I travelled and played the drums on the streets, I chanted and sang, I read books and wrote poetry. It all ended when I fell into an abusive relationship that made me forget not just god, and this mystical world of prayer and magic, but also made me forget who I was, how to write, how to sing, how to feel deeply. I was left numb and drained, out of any creative flow. With each day I am healing and rediscovering who I am. After seven years, I find myself at the feet of the Cacao spirit, in ceremony with a group of women all seeking, searching and creating. I feel like I have come a full circle, and new beginnings are marked by this ceremony. Below are some of the writings that came through during the meditations with the Cacao. 

*** 

We all gather round, 

the fire crackling in time with our bones, warming.

I feel how we all carry pain, lodged deeply within our wombs, 

a heaviness that keeps us down, 

grounded 

into the floor, 

pressing down. 

I wish I could hold each and every woman there, hold her aching and be the space of quietness that we’ve all hankered for. 

Soft, quiet safety. 

Resting place. 

And right now, I carry shame. 

It’s stuck to my skin like the fingerprints of a secret lover. I carry it with me but I hide it well

underneath a shallow happiness that gets me through. 

In the folds of my hips, the creases of my skin 

in the space between my thighs, and deeper 

within

in the roads made b stretch marks, 

how my body falls – together and apart

shaped in abundance. Shame 

is the hand that covers my mouth shut 

when my chest is eager to speak, to scream 

my truth. 

It’s the pull towards the pleasures and impulse – what pushes me 

into the arms of the unfaithful

breaking me again and again. 

And today I see it in all of us, the way we struggle daily to keep our bodies soft and sweet for their gratification; 

the way we become mothers to a turbulent world, giving until dry and depleted. 

It soothes to come to the realisation that I am not alone. 

That 

our wombs are grieving 

for we give our power away in fear of the miracles that would happen otherwise. 

**

So we start to dance. I find it almost impossible to move. My body is rigid. Unmovable and cold, stone-like. 

I beg the earth to bless my feet with each step. 

My heart yearns to cry, grieving all that She let go of and loved too much.

My chest tightens with apprehension – I forgot what it means to feel with my whole body 

I forgot the kind of happiness that rises upwards with realness. 

I have been numb for so long. 

The wind is merciful, inviting me into a dance and I give in 

to the pull of energy that our dancing together brings – me, my sisters, earth, the wind. I can hear the river 

close by, rushing 

water

flowing 

and my face becomes a seabed, my tears 

heart singing a song. sinking. 

skin becomes salt. I can finally cry. And feel. 

Numbness slowly thawing, a tired body like the earth after a long winter. 

**

We go back to the fire, wood burning like bones. Our bodies now hot and throbbing 

Awakened, 

I realise how alone I have been. A wolf estranged from its tribe. I feel relief

to be around women, mothers. 

How I’ve missed this. 

The sun drops and lowers, loosening. 

I drift deeper within, I sink lower into the ground 

the floorboard cracks under the weight of all our stories 

as we lie down, releasing. 

I recognise the wound in all of us, 

almost seeing the space it left in our chest – 

the wound of unworthiness, dissolving through generations. 

From that comes our compulsion to forget ourself, the marvellous strength we hold. From us

life spurts out and blooms. How can we ever doubt our worthiness. 

** 

A prayer to the Cacao 

I invite You in, dark and unexpected guest. 

Your bitterness satisfies me. 

I’m tired of sweet on my tongue, of high-pitched formalities and sugary lies. 

You’re filling me up, each hole left empty inside. I absorb you in, like a baby sucking on his mother’s breast. 

I trust in this realness, this truth that you bring in my mind, 

for the world is already drowning in deceit. 

With each sip I get closer to my god within – it’s a god of darkness

and my moon will help me find the way back home.. 

I pray to You 

nourish these broken bones 

mend 

never let me forget my worth 

a purpose in this world so needed 

my hands 

your hands 

so necessary to healing of our world.